The reactions of others
Understanding the impact
Many children feel conscious of what other people think of them. This can be heightened when a child in their family has disability and, sadly, other people can be insensitive. Siblings can feel judged and uncomfortable. Certainly, as I was growing up, it was a big thing for me when people wouldn’t just stare at my sister, they would stop in their tracks and watch as we walked along. I wish my parents and I had been able to share our discomfort with each other, but they thought they were protecting me by staying silent and I thought I shouldn’t say anything which might upset them. Instead, I internalised my discomfort, which added to the anxiety.
Young children can be stressed by the reactions of others.
A mum who contributed to my book, Siblings, tells the story of how she and her three daughters, a baby and 7 and 8 year olds (the latter with a disability) were in the supermarket. Her baby was in the shopping trolley along with an ever-growing number of groceries, when her 8-year-old had a seizure. I am sure you can imagine the ‘kerfuffle’ that ensued, with some people being helpful and others standing by just staring and adding to the discomfort.
You can probably imagine the 7-year-old sibling sitting in the car later, once things had settled. She would likely be shell-shocked and numb. Fortunately, in this case, the mother turned to her daughter and said, ‘Gosh that was horrible wasn’t it?’ They were able to debrief with each other, share their thoughts about the situation, and talk about the people who helped and those who didn’t. As a result, this little girl felt stronger and less alone.
Parent responses
It is understandable too that, as a parent, you might respond differently at different times, depending on your mood. Sometimes you might want to ignore others’ reactions, at other times you might feel like educating them. There may also be times when you just feel fed up with dealing with others’ stares or comments, and just want to lash out. It can help you too to think ahead about how you might respond, to both onlookers and to your children.
Practical tips
So what can you do as a parent to support siblings who are troubled by others’ reactions? Here are some practical things to support your children who are siblings:
First up, don’t dismiss their feelings. Don’t tell them to ‘just ignore it’ when others are unkind. Instead, say something like, ‘I am so glad you are telling me this. Let’s think about what you might say or do next time’. Of course, sometimes ignoring can be the best option, but they also need some tools to help them feel stronger and more confident in these situations.
Practice with your children how they might respond if someone says something cruel to them or behaves in unkind ways to either them or their brother or sister with disability. The child with disability can be included here of course, if you think that is appropriate. Help children to understand the difference between helpful responses and aggressive ones that might just add to the problem. A response like, ‘my brother is autistic, and he can be a lot of fun’ (or whatever feels comfortable for the child), can be helpful.
Suggest that your child’s school run disability awareness sessions with students.
Assist children to understand that most people are not malicious when they stare, often they are just curious or uncomfortable.
When you are out as a family, consider how you will all respond together. Sometimes humour within your family can help. Some families give out little cards explaining the disability - not for everyone but certainly some find that this helps. If nothing else, you can share a knowing look with each other, one that says ‘Here we go again. We are in this together and we will be fine’.
Assist your children to connect with other siblings - they can feel empowered if they are able to share their experiences and ways of coping in different situations.
KidsHelpline has a section on bullying here, which may also be a helpful resource for you
Final thoughts
Again, helping your child feel seen and heard will add to their confidence in managing the challenges they experience.