Permission

One of my key messages is giving siblings of children with disability ‘permission’ to express their feelings. Many siblings believe they shouldn’t complain or add to the stress that they see parents experiencing. (See my previous blog on masking feelings). They can feel pressure to keep their feelings hidden.

Let me share a story that illustrates this perfectly:

A mum at one of my workshops talked about how she was worried about her teenage daughter, a sibling to her other daughter who had significant intellectual disability. The sibling seemed down a lot of the time but whenever the mother would ask her if she was ok, she would reply that yes, she was fine. The mother thought it might help to go out for a coffee with her daughter and see if she would open up in a more casual setting. However, the daughter still insisted she was fine. The mother did not give up.

She decided to try again, but this time she said to her daughter, ‘It must be hard sometimes being the sister to Susie’. At this point, her daughter burst into tears and shared her feelings of guilt, sorrow and fear. Finally, they were able to share and support one another. By using the words she did, this mother was able to give permission to her daughter to express her feelings.

Now, what if the daughter had no real challenges related to being a sibling? Maybe she was upset because a girlfriend was going out with a boy she liked? It wouldn’t matter; the mother had still shown understanding, given permission, and opened the way for more honest sharing in the future.

Giving permission for any feeling does not mean that children can behave in any way they wish – each family will have their own boundaries as to what is acceptable. You might say, ‘I understand you are disappointed that we had to cancel the picnic again, but it is not okay to slam the door so hard’.

Another way of giving permission to siblings is, when appropriate, to share your own feelings about the situation. One sibling talked about how helpful it was when her mother cried in front of her … it gave the daughter permission to share her own feelings rather than be caught up in a circle of trying to protect each other. And they could share ways of managing the feelings in healthy ways.

Giving siblings permission to express their feelings will help them feel seen and heard.