Masking feelings
Siblings often talk about needing to hide their feelings when growing up beside a child with disability. They sensed that parents already had enough to cope with and so they needed to ‘keep the peace’. Sometimes they were given the message by parents, or others, that they had to be the ‘easy’ one, for example, ‘your mummy and daddy are dealing with a lot right now, so you have to be a good girl’. Or they might be told that they ‘should feel lucky’ that they don’t have a disability.
The impact of those beliefs or messages, and subsequent squashing of feelings can lead to a range of mental health issues, like depression or anxiety, into adulthood.
All that ‘emotion-stuffing’ has taken a big toll. (adult sibling)
If your child shows signs of being a ‘people pleaser’ or always says they are ‘fine’ regardless of how they appear, it may be that they are actually feeling stressed inside but feel hesitant to share. And if you are juggling a ‘lot of balls in the air’, it can be easy to let things go.
Years ago, I co-hosted a mask-making workshop for some young siblings. It was not only powerful for the children but also the adults who were there supporting them. They talked of hiding anger, embarrassment and sadness. Being able to show the feelings but hidden behind the mask allowed them to embrace and accept the feelings. We helped them to see that the feelings were not ‘bad’ and that they were not ‘bad’ for having them.
Sibs at the mask-making workshop
How can you support a sibling to embrace their feelings?
Ask open questions about their experiences, such as, ‘how did that make you feel?’
Help them put a name to their feelings – books can help with that
This series is particularly good but there are other books that explore feelings - you could ask at your local library.
Give them ‘permission’ to express their feelings … my next blog will explore this in more detail.
Avoid saying that your sibling child is ‘lucky to not have a disability’ – they probably feel that already, sometimes to a high degree, and all children have the right to some complaints.
Give them tools to manage the feelings in healthy ways - some children need physical outlets like punching a pillow or throwing hoops, others need more peaceful activities like drawing, writing, listening to music or relaxation tapes.
Model your own feelings and ways that you manage, for example, ‘I feel sad today because...., but I will meet my friend for a coffee later, that will help me feel better’.
Help them to identify who they might talk to about their feelings – you as their parent, other extended family, teachers.